The kissing business – the WTO column
(Geschreven voor Chinabiz, maar aangezien het ook over Nederland gaat, ook maar hier doorgeplaatst).
My Chinese friend arrived back from a medical conference in Nice with a group of Dutch doctors and needed some cross-cultural advice. “When we left, they started kissing me,” she said. “Have I done something wrong?”
Two questions arose to make a fair assessment of this dilemma. How often did they kiss? And where from the Netherlands were they from?
The answers were right. They were mostly from the southern parts of Holland where I was born and they kissed three times. That is just about right: one kiss is too subtle and more than three is simply too much. Three kisses are sexually neutral, comparable to a firm handshake in other places.
As a small boy I hated the habit that was deeply embedded in our local culture. I had countless aunties and they seem to multiply each Sunday, presenting their three wet kisses each time we left church, had a family gathering or met just by accident in the street. Uncles kissed too, but they seemed less eager and certainly not that wet.
Only when I grew up, I started to appreciate those kisses, but then my aunties had become older too.
Even within the borders of a small country like the Netherlands, rules about kisses would differ. I remember the nice story of a former consul-general in Shanghai who had a bit of a reputation as a womanizer. We were born in the same city and during one of his trips he had in the coffee shop of the ministry of foreign affairs in The Hague a chat with his son. The son worked as a nurse on an ambulance and wore an impeccable white uniform. Of course they kissed when they said goodbye.
Staff of the ministry had watched the scene from their windows and reacted shocked, he recalled. “They said, our consul-general is now even doing it with men.”
Now, in China kissing was a wholly different issue and I have been studying the issue in depth. Kissing men was off-limits; here I really had to give in. But kissing women, even in our traditional sexually neutral way, seemed to be negotiable despite initial misgivings from the women involved.
It is against the Chinese tradition, was the most commonly heard argument against kissing. By then I had discovered that the argument of the Chinese tradition was something that could used against you in almost every situation. Calling in Chinese traditions is just one step in a lengthy process of negotiations.
Of course, I would agree that a certain degree of cultural sensitivity would make sense in the case where cultural values would clash. But why would my culture always be the one that has to give in? Could the Chinese not just appreciate the little bit of culture I had to bring in? Should we not have some give and take here?
Initially I was rather amazed the argument worked out. Later, it became a nice illustration of cross-cultural negotiations. It is of course a rather basic tool in any negotiation: you do not take the arguments of the other side for granted. If you do so, you will always lose the case.
So, if we meet: three polite kisses are in order; I will abstain from kissing men.
Fons Tuinstra
My Chinese friend arrived back from a medical conference in Nice with a group of Dutch doctors and needed some cross-cultural advice. “When we left, they started kissing me,” she said. “Have I done something wrong?”
Two questions arose to make a fair assessment of this dilemma. How often did they kiss? And where from the Netherlands were they from?
The answers were right. They were mostly from the southern parts of Holland where I was born and they kissed three times. That is just about right: one kiss is too subtle and more than three is simply too much. Three kisses are sexually neutral, comparable to a firm handshake in other places.
As a small boy I hated the habit that was deeply embedded in our local culture. I had countless aunties and they seem to multiply each Sunday, presenting their three wet kisses each time we left church, had a family gathering or met just by accident in the street. Uncles kissed too, but they seemed less eager and certainly not that wet.
Only when I grew up, I started to appreciate those kisses, but then my aunties had become older too.
Even within the borders of a small country like the Netherlands, rules about kisses would differ. I remember the nice story of a former consul-general in Shanghai who had a bit of a reputation as a womanizer. We were born in the same city and during one of his trips he had in the coffee shop of the ministry of foreign affairs in The Hague a chat with his son. The son worked as a nurse on an ambulance and wore an impeccable white uniform. Of course they kissed when they said goodbye.
Staff of the ministry had watched the scene from their windows and reacted shocked, he recalled. “They said, our consul-general is now even doing it with men.”
Now, in China kissing was a wholly different issue and I have been studying the issue in depth. Kissing men was off-limits; here I really had to give in. But kissing women, even in our traditional sexually neutral way, seemed to be negotiable despite initial misgivings from the women involved.
It is against the Chinese tradition, was the most commonly heard argument against kissing. By then I had discovered that the argument of the Chinese tradition was something that could used against you in almost every situation. Calling in Chinese traditions is just one step in a lengthy process of negotiations.
Of course, I would agree that a certain degree of cultural sensitivity would make sense in the case where cultural values would clash. But why would my culture always be the one that has to give in? Could the Chinese not just appreciate the little bit of culture I had to bring in? Should we not have some give and take here?
Initially I was rather amazed the argument worked out. Later, it became a nice illustration of cross-cultural negotiations. It is of course a rather basic tool in any negotiation: you do not take the arguments of the other side for granted. If you do so, you will always lose the case.
So, if we meet: three polite kisses are in order; I will abstain from kissing men.
Fons Tuinstra
1 Comments:
As I live in China for 4 years I also tease Chineese with the kissing habbit. In my circle (after explanation the sexual neutrality) I find that the wmen are quite eager to receive a tripple schmacko after they layoff their shiness. I keep teasing the Chineese femaile croud with our southern dutch habbits. / henk7356@gmail.com
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